


when this wild world is a big bad hand

by squishelle



Category: VIXX
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Character Death, Grief/Mourning, M/M, References to Depression, Supernatural Elements, lots of different ways to describe the sea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-05 22:57:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16376627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squishelle/pseuds/squishelle
Summary: When Jaehwan asks his mother if she sometimes forgets what his father looks like, his mother always smiles softly and says, “It’s a little hard to remember his entire face but I remember the little things.” And Jaehwan understands what she means now a bit.





	when this wild world is a big bad hand

**Author's Note:**

> additional tags: one non-graphic scene of character vomiting, references to therapy, and lack of, and general sadness. 
> 
> I played Bat for Lashes' 'Moon and Moon' for this one. Take from that what you will.
> 
> Also, this is my first fic (yay!), so I'd love it if y'all could tell me how to tag better, and more efficiently in the comments!  
> I hope you enjoy!

When Jaehwan asks his mother if she sometimes forgets what his father looks like, his mother always smiles softly and says,  _ “It’s a little hard to remember his entire face but I remember the little things.”  _ And Jaehwan understands what she means now a bit.

 

He’s lying in bed, blankets tangled between his legs, when he remembers chubby cheeks. He’s zoning out at work when the image of two, ridiculously deep dimples sweep into his mind. He’s washing dishes when loud, bright laughter bursts in his ears and he almost drops the cup he’s holding. Jaehwan’s tried sketching the little things, just like he used to, but somehow he can no longer bring himself to finish the drawings, sketchbook lying abandoned on the coffee table, the dark, violent imprint of graphite embedded into it. 

 

Hakyeon spends all his free time with Jaehwan. Him and Sanghyuk seem to have taken residence in his apartment and he’ll find little bits and pieces of them all over the place. It’s nice, having someone else’s things strewn about. But there’s also something overwhelmingly wrong about it. It’s unfamiliar and a little stifling: as if they’re the wrong things. 

 

So it’s a nice reprieve being away from the apartment. When Hakyeon had proposed going back home, hesitant but eyebrows set determinedly, Jaehwan had shrugged and said  _ why not.  _ One phone call to his mother, who’d immediately began talking about cleaning out his old room, and Jaehwan finds himself standing on the deck of an almost empty ferry, suitcase stuffed between his legs. 

 

The little village he’d grown up in hasn’t seemed to change over the long years. Walking down narrow, familiar streets, Jaehwan remembers how the old men squatting in front of the corner shops had seemed like giants; smoky, translucent limbs curling out of their pipes, wrapping around little Jaehwan and keeping him petrified until his mother was done buying groceries. 

 

His family home sits on the top of a hill, enshrouded by the thick forests of the island, facing the ocean. The last time he’d been here, he’d never been more ready to leave. Fresh out of high school, eighteen year old Jaehwan had felt trapped by the shrubbery around the porch, the fence of trees that lined the forest and the overwhelming stench of salt. He finds himself feeling warmer than he has in months standing outside the door, the enticing smell of spicy broth wafting out of the walls. He grabs his suitcase and rings the doorbell. 

 

“The door’s open, come in!” Jaehwan hears his mother yell. He sighs and pushes open the door, dragging his suitcase behind him. 

 

“Eomma, how many times do I have to tell you to not leave the door open? I don’t care if you’re living in the middle of nowhere, some animal could get inside,” says Jaehwan in a weary tone, taking his shoes off at the entrance. 

His mother turns from the stove to glare at him and bites back, “Jyani, no animal is going to turn the knob. Is this the first thing you say to your mother? No hello? No hug?” 

Jaehwan smiles, soft and fond, and walks up to her, engulfing her tiny frame in a tight hug. They stand there for a few moments, the soft sounds of the boiling broth filling the room. Jaehwan’s mother pulls back and looks him straight in the eyes for a moment. Jaehwan stares at the oblong reflection of himself in her pupils. 

 

“You look ugly.” 

 

“Thanks, I get it from my mother.”

 

He gets a sharp smack in the arm for that and runs away to sit on the kitchen table. There’s a little vase in the middle of the table, a brightly painted mermaid hugging it, smiling serenely at Jaehwan. Jaehwan snorts. His mother’s always loved stories about the sea. 

 

“Jaehwan-ah, set the table please.”

 

They eat in relative silence, Jaehwan stuffing his face with spicy fish and lumps of broth-soaked rice in turns, while his mother watches him with fond disgust. She brings out a bowl of chestnut cookies, warm and sticky sweet, and they finish them off, sitting back in their chairs, stomachs heaving. 

 

“You’re doing better than you think you are.” 

 

Jaehwan looks up at his mother; she’s fiddling with the mermaid vase. “I-i can’t promise you that it gets better. I can’t tell you that it’s going to be okay. But it does get easier. Easier to live, easier to come to terms with it,” she says, voice soft and dulcet. 

 

“You have to remember that you’re never alone. No matter how lonely it seems. You’re doing much better than you think you are, my son.” She’s looking straight at him and Jaehwan can’t look away from her hands, bony and thin. 

 

The little mermaid wrapped snug around the vase seems to sag a little bit, smile drooping. 

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Jaehwan finds himself taking the tiny, stony path towards the beach. His hyung used to take him here, roaring with laughter when Jaehwan would trip on the slippery stones and wiping his tears away immediately after.  _ Jaehwan-ah, don’t tell eomma okay? It’s okay, you’re not hurt that badly, you’re okay you big baby.  _

 

He’d forgotten how cold and icy the nights could get, the wind from the sea biting at his skin. He walks all the way down to a little cove, walking along the little meandering streams of water, littered with white shells and sharp, black stones. He sits down a little further away from the shore, leaning against a smooth rock, and lets the wind blow through his hair and ruffle his clothes. He can already feel his nose turning a bright red. 

 

_ Hyung, you look like a reindeer! No, no, it’s adorable. Want me to kiss it better? _

 

Jaehwan stares out into the water, eyes focused on how it ripples under the moon. He doesn’t know how long he sits there, but he finds himself dosing a little, eyes still wide open but the water is a little blurry, a little less bright. He scrunches his eyes shut and opens them again to find someone staring back at him from the water.

 

Jaehwan yelps, back thudding against the rock. There’s someone bobbing in the water, not too far from the shore, only visible from the chin up. Jaehwan’s a little unsure of what he’s seeing at first, when the bobbing head disappears. It pops up again, bubbles frothing around it and Jaehwan springs into action. 

 

“Hey! Wait, don’t worry, I’m coming in. Just hang on!” He yells out, hoping the person can hear him and begins tugging his shirt off. He kicks away the discarded clothing and begins to run towards the sea. As he gets closer, the little pool of sea splashing around his bare feet, he stops abruptly. He can see the head clearly now, can see the person’s face. He knows that face. Jaehwan knows that face. He knows it in its entirety and in its little pieces. 

 

He stands there for a long time. The face stares back at him, bobbing up and down, expressionless. Jaehwan can’t feel the gentle swish of the waves around his feet, can’t really feel the bottom of his feet anymore. Finally, with one last bob, the face disappears and the water settles around it, a slate wiped clean. 

 

Jaehwan slowly steps backwards, picks up his clothes and begins walking back home. The door is still unlocked but the lights are off, his mother probably already in bed. He enters slow and quiet and the smell of leftover fish almost bowls him over. He races to the bathroom and bends over the pot, back cracking loudly. When his throat is unbearably raw and ridged, he sits up slowly, body shaking, and leans against the bathroom door. 

 

“Jaehwan? Jaehwan! Oh no, oh my son.” His mother smells like jasmine and a little bit like milk, and Jaehwan takes a deep breath and sags against her. Her tears feel like icicles on his naked shoulder.

 

 

* * *

  
  


 

Before the sun’s even up, Jaehwan’s following a familiar stony path, past the cove, and near the shore. The clouds are heavy in the sky, lying low and dark. The sea is a murky, frothy surface and Jaehwan can’t see much of anything but blackness. But he still sits there, on the shore, water lapping around his ankles. 

 

Months ago, when Jaehwan wouldn’t leave his bed, Hakyeon would come over a lot. He doesn’t remember much from that time, except tiny bursts of moments, of Hakyeon holding him and crying, the scorching heat of water and fullness in his stomach. He does remember Hakyeon begging him to get help, to see a therapist. He’s made so many excuses not to in the past few months, much to Hakyeon’s disapproval, but now he wishes he had listened. He wouldn’t be losing his mind right now if he’d gotten the right kind of help. 

 

Nothing stares back at him from the dark sea. He sits there until the clouds part and the sun hangs low in the sky, burning his skin. 

 

He trudges back home, feet dragging a little as he thinks. He’d been doing well, had felt productive, motivated, after weeks. Which is why he doesn’t understand why he imagined last night. Doesn’t fucking understand why he can’t just be okay. Jaehwan bangs the front door behind him and his mother startles from where she’s sitting in the living room. 

 

“Jaehwan! Oh, Hakyeon he’s home, I’ll give him the phone.” She hands the phone to him, and leaves the room, giving him a look over her shoulder. Jaehwan exhales heavily through his nose and sprawls over the sofa. 

 

“Hey hyung.”

 

“Jaehwan, you okay? Your mom told us about last night…”

 

“It’s okay, I’m fine. I think I was just tired and my stomach didn’t agree with the food.”

 

“You sure?”

 

For a moment, Jaehwan considers telling Hakyeon about last night. But Hakyeon would worry and probably come here the very next day. 

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Seriously. I’m thinking of spending the day helping out at the festival the church organises here every year. People put up plays, sing songs, that kind of stuff. I’m-I’m thinking of singing.”

 

“Really? That’s fucking awesome. I wish Hyuk and I were there to see it!”

 

“No, yeah, I know Eomma would want me to, I used to sing every year.”

 

“Go for it. Really. Have fun, my favourite dongsaeng.”

 

Jaehwan hears a tinny voice whining  _ what about me hyung _ and Hakyeon laughing before he hangs up.

 

* * *

 

  
  


When Jaehwan arrives, the pastor smiles so hard he turns a bright red. He’s known Jaehwan since he was a kid and gives him a warm hug then immediately assigns him a place in the set list for singers. 

 

“Jaehwan-ah, we don’t have any more spots for male soloists but if you don’t mind, I could put you down for a duet. Jung Taekwoon turned up today to sign himself up as well, I can put you two together.”

 

Jaehwan shrugs and is pointed towards a tall man with a pinched expression on his face. 

 

“Hi,” says Taekwoon, and Jaehwan is momentarily startled by the softness of his voice. 

 

They are handed the sheet music to a popular hymn and begin practising. Jaehwan loses himself a little, in the vibrations settling in his chest, in Taekwoon’s soft voice accompanying his. He closes his eyes, flashes of red and white exploding behind his eyelids. He doesn’t realise he’s silently crying until the music has stopped and he opens his eyes to see Taekwoon staring at him, an unreadable expression on his face. 

 

After, Taekwoon says nothing except a  _ “Do you want to go get a drink?”  _ and Jaehwan murmurs a “ _ yes” _ . They’re sitting in a bustling restaurant, people coming here to unwind, drink, laugh. Jaehwan pours alcohol for Taekwoon then himself. Taekwoon stares at him. Taekwoon does a lot of staring; he’s been looking at Jaehwan almost expectantly since they left the church. Jaehwan looks to the side and takes a shot, setting the glass down a little awkwardly. 

 

“You need closure.” Jaehwan doesn’t realise Taekwoon’s spoken until Taekwoon nudges at him, voice whisper soft. 

 

“What?”

 

“Whatever’s hurting you. You need closure. It seems as if you haven’t made peace with it yet. You haven’t really accepted it.”

 

Jaehwan circles a finger around his shot glass and doesn’t answer.

 

When he gets back home, Taekwoon’s words seem to finally settle in his brain. It’s still a little early in the night, Jaehwan’s probably still in town. He lays awake in his bed for a while. It’s pitch black outside when Jaehwan decides to get up and leave. It’s an unusually warm night, and Jaehwan regrets the long-sleeve sleep shirt he has on.

 

_ It’s so hot tonight. What the fuck is up? _

 

_ I told you not to wear that shirt hyung, I knew you were going to start complaining the second we stepped out. _

 

_ But you said I looked sexy in this shirt! _

 

_ Yeah, but like, not when you’re sweaty and whiny.  _

 

_ You like me swe- _

 

_ Oh my god, shut the fuck up. _

 

Taekwoon was right. Jaehwan needed closure. He walks with purpose, stepping over knobby stones, and sits down on the beach. The water’s lukewarm and it caresses Jaehwan’s thighs almost reassuringly. He’s only just sat down when  _ it _ appears. 

 

The face is still expressionless but there’s no doubt. Jaehwan knows that face better than his own. There’s something lodged in Jaehwan’s throat, and it takes him a while to swallow down his own spit. Fingers clenching at loose sand, Jaehwan doesn’t look away from the thing.

 

“W-who are you?”

 

The face remains blank. Jaehwan’s not sure it’s even blinking. 

 

“What are you? What the fuck are you?” Jaehwan’s shocked at the breathiness of his own voice, at his desperation. The face blinks and it’s mouth widens, revealing unnaturally white teeth. But Jaehwan can’t look away from the two indents on the sides of its mouth. 

 

_ Baby, babyyy. Look at me. _

 

_ Jesus, you are so drunk, this is hilarious. You know I’m taking a video of this right? _

 

_ Baby. You have the most beautiful smile in the whole fucking world. There’s like fairies being born when you smile. _

 

_ Oh my god, I regret this. _

 

_ I’m so serious! Look at me, look at me. Look at the dimples, oh my god! Adorable! I constantly want to poke them. I want to like, live in them. They look so warm and cozy, mhmm- _

 

_ This is the greatest blackmail material ever, I cannot wait to show this to Hakyeon hyung, oh my god- _

 

Jaehwan buries his face in his hands and screams and screams.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Jaehwan? Jaehwan, hey, wake up dude.”

  
  


There’s a clump of sand in Jaehwan’s mouth and it takes him awhile to get his eyes to open. A sharp flare of pain shoots up his spine as he tries to sit up and he realises where he is. He must have fallen asleep on the beach last night. He squints up to see Taekwoon and two other men standing above him. Taekwoon sticks his hand out, pulling Jaehwan up to stand. 

 

“W-what happened?” Jaehwan’s words are all slurry and he can still feel little particles of sand on his tongue. 

 

Taekwoon looks at him for a moment, eyes narrowed. “I don't really know. Just, your mom reported you missing early this morning and everyone’s been looking for you since. I told her and the police you’d gone home after we hung out, but I wasn’t sure.” Taekwoon looks more sullen than usual and Jaehwan realises with a pang that this is Taekwoon being worried about someone. 

 

“I’m really sorry, I just come here, just to sit, sometimes, and I must have lost track of time.”

 

Taekwoon gives him a small nod and starts ushering him back home. Jaehwan’s mother is standing at the doorstep when they arrive and something in Jaehwan aches to see her look so disheveled. 

 

“Oh God! Oh God, you’re okay! I was so worried about you, you weren’t home when I came back and your bed was still empty in the morning.” She hugs him, squeezing uncomfortably tight, then smacks him on the back of his head. “What did you do? Where have you been?”

 

“We found him on the beach. He said he went there last night and fell asleep.” 

 

“I’m going to kill you, Jaehwan.”

 

His mother refuses to let him leave the house for the rest of the day. And that’s okay with him; he spends the whole day in bed, desperately trying to sleep. He gets dragged out of his room when the sun goes down, his mother forcing him to sit on the table and eat with her. She ladles clear soup into a bowl and hands it to him. It smells delicious; an aromatic blend of sweet and sour, but Jaehwan doesn’t think he can stomach anything right now. He swirls his spoon around, watching as the dregs of the soup form circular patterns. 

 

“Jaehwan. Can you tell me what’s wrong?” His mother’s looking at him, at his untouched bowl, with open concern. “Last night, and the night before. I-Is being back here difficult? Your father passed away here and maybe that reminds you of- maybe that’s not a great environment to be in.”

 

Something in Jaehwan sinks and he feels like the worst person in the world. “No, no, Eomma, of course not. I’m okay, seriously. I think I just have a lot of time to think here, not much distracting me. So if I’m being off, that’s probably why. Yeah, that’s probably why…” He trails off, words hanging heavy in the air between them. 

 

“Jaehwan, I don’t want- I can’t see you suffering. So, if something’s wrong and you need to tell someone, please tell me. Or, tell Hakyeon. Just, talk to someone,” she pleads with him, reaching out to hold his hands. “Oh, that reminds me. Hakyeon’s going to come here.”

 

“Wait, what?”

“Yes, I called him when I couldn’t find you and he insisted on taking the first flight out.”

 

“ _ Eomma!” _

 

“What! This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t decided to scare the life out of me. Now, deal with it.” She sweeps her bowl off the table and walks towards the kitchen.

 

 

* * *

  
  


“Hyung seriously, I don’t need you hovering over me 24/7. I literally came here to get the fuck away from you.”

 

“Watch your mouth, don’t be fucking rude! And I’m not hovering, I just want to spend time with you. Right, Hyukkie?”

 

“You’re hovering.”

 

“Oh, fuck off.”

 

Jaehwan sighs, and gets up from the couch. The first thing Hakyeon had done when he’d walked in the door was tackle Jaehwan to the couch. And keep him there. 

 

“I’m just going to spend the day in town. I kinda want to be on my own. Please.”

 

Hakyeon looks at him and exhales wearily. “Fine, Hyuk and I will find some way to entertain ourselves.” He picks himself up and begins wheeling his suitcase in. He stops and looks back towards Jaehwan, eyes soft. “I’m really proud of you, Jaehwan. I hope you know that.”

A pit forms in Jaehwan’s stomach and he suddenly feels light and airy. 

 

“I know hyung.”

 

The weather’s the worst it’s been since Jaehwan came back. Rain falls down like a vast, heavy curtain over the island, and thunder crackles loud and dangerous. Jaehwan finds a small cafe and sits there for hours, slowly nursing the same cup of coffee. It’s colder than ice by the time he’s done with it and the cashier gives him an infuriated look when he pays for it. 

 

He runs out onto the slippery street, almost completely empty, people opting to stay safe and warm at home. Ahead of him, he sees a figure walking slowly, struggling to hold two large bags. 

He speeds up and sees an old woman, weighed down by the bags, face contorted in pain and discomfort. 

 

“Ahjumma! Let me help you!”

 

“Oh! Jaehwan! Eunji’s boy! Thank you so much, here take this.”

 

They walk quickly to the woman’s house, shuffling in through the doorway. Jaehwan takes hold of both bags and puts them inside. “I’ll help you unpack these, Ahjumma.”

 

“Thank you so much, son. This weather, tch, what a mess. You know, my eomma used to say that when a storm plagued a village, the people had done something wrong.”

 

“Really? So, we’ve been cursed?”

 

“According to my eomma. Somehow, the people had angered the spirits and so brought the storm upon themselves. But I don’t believe that.”

 

“What do you believe?”

 

“I think a storm means there’s a big change coming. Something good, or maybe, something bad.”

 

“Yeah, maybe this place needs a change. It hasn’t changed at all, since I was a kid.”

 

“Hmm. A storm means there’s going to be something new. A rebirth, of sorts. For all of us.”

 

By the time he gets home, Jaehwan can barely see his hands in front of him. The wind has picked up, swirling and howling, and the trees around his mother’s house sway violently. There’s an absurd sort of calm within him, like he’s standing smack in the middle of the storm. He enters the house in a daze, lifting a hand in greeting to Hakyeon and Sanghyuk, and walks into his room. Lying down on his bed, he picks up his phone. It’s been buzzing incessantly for the past hour. There’s a Facebook message from someone he doesn’t know. 

 

**Kim Wonshik**

Hi! This is really out of the blue, you probably don’t even know who I am

But, I was friends with Hongbin in high school lol

Basically, I’m getting married this December

And I sent Hongbin an invite for the both of you

And he said he’d get back to me months ago

So, just wanted to check up on you guys

I hope everything’s okay?

I haven’t really heard from Bin in a while, and well, he’s never been an SNS guy

So, I’m texting you ahah

Is hongbin okay? Are you guys doing well?

Do let me know!

Also oh gosh, sorry for sending you so many texts!(｡･･｡)

 

_ [9:22 am] _

 

**_BeanieBaby_ ** _ : Hey, listen  _

**_Me_ ** _ : Sup _

**_BeanieBaby_ ** _ : So remember my friend wonshik _

**_Me_ ** _ : ?? not really _

**_BeanieBaby_ ** _ : My friend from high school, we were pretty close, but haven’t spoken in years _

**_Me_ ** _ : Okay ye _

**_BeanieBaby_ ** _ : He just sent me an invite to his wedding _

**_Me_ ** _ : Ohhh nice we going? _

**_BeanieBaby_ ** _ : I mean, yeah? I miss the guy, he used to be my best friend. I can’t believe he’s getting married that’s wild _

**_Me_ ** _ : Aww cute bean _

**_BeanieBaby_ ** _ : Shut up, i just miss my best friend man _

**_Me_ ** _ : I know i know, okay cool, we going✈️wedding _

**_BeanieBaby_ ** _ : Nice. i’m kinda really excited?? Anyways, call you when i reach work _

**_Me_ ** _ : Wait you’re texting me while driving??? Bean wtf, put your phone down rn!! _

**_BeanieBaby_ ** _ : Stop texting me then! _

**_Me_ ** _ : I can’t believe you, drive safe you idiot _

**_BeanieBaby_ ** _ : Yeye see you soon hyung _

**_Me_ ** _ : Love you _

 

 

* * *

  
  


 

Jaehwan doesn’t realise he’s moved until he’s already sprinting out of the door, voices yelling after him. Water gets into his eyes, clouding his vision and he almost trips multiple times. Painstakingly, he grips hard onto the wet stones and takes the cursed path down to the beach. The water streaming down his face is no longer cold, but it’s hot and heavy and coming out in gushes. The sand on the beach has turned almost black due to the rain and Jaehwan steps on sharp, dark rocks he can’t distinguish. He barely feels a sting. 

 

_ I hope everything’s okay?I hopeeverything’sokay?Ihopeeverything’sokay? _

 

The water is angry, churning white and thick over the sand, the waves rising in large swells, an open maw gearing up to bite. Jaehwan lets it embrace him, wading into the sea, clothes sticking to his skin.

 

“Hongbin! Hongbin! Please! You have to come out! You have to be okay!”

 

He can’t see much now, everything a dark, swaying blur. But when he’s waist deep, the current making him lose his balance, Jaehwan sees him. He’s so close, and he’s smiling, smiling so wide, like he used to every time Jaehwan dropped something in the kitchen, every time he kissed Jaehwan’s nose, every time he was overwhelmingly happy, mouth stretched wide, hands curled up and dimples on full display. Jaehwan’s sobbing so hard he can barely breathe, the sea rising up to his mouth. 

 

He swims closer, and closer, lifted by the sea, reaching out to that face. The taste of salt and sea sticks to his tongue and he’s dangerously close to lapping up the water. As he gets closer though, something seems wrong. Hongbin’s mouth was never that wide. His teeth never so large and sharp, shining bright and chipped in some places. 

 

There are voices, carried over by the wind, voices calling his name from the direction of the beach. They seem to be coming closer and closer. Jaehwan’s close enough to touch now, feet no longer clutching at sand. Hongbin’s face is attached to something that’s not human, not at all. It’s almost horrifyingly grotesque and large and Jaehwan can barely see, but he can make out, can  _ touch _ , scales, a large stout body, the body of a large fish. There’s no neck, no abdomen, just the face, Hongbin’s face almost grossly sewed onto the slimy dark scales of the fish. Jaehwan can see inky tendrils of long, black hair floating around the thing. Jaehwan’s an arm's distance away from its face and it hasn’t stopped smiling. Baring its teeth.

 

But something in Jaehwan has settled, deep within his bones, his very essence. He feels weightless and when he begins to lose conscience, Hongbin’s unnatural face coming closer and closer, mouth opening wider and wider, all Jaehwan can feel is absence, and he smiles until it’s all dark. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i really hope you guys liked this! 
> 
> you can find me on twitter: @fightmehyuk


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